Wu-Tang vs. AI
Episode VI – The Might of the Meteor Hammer
This is the sixth episode of the nine-part series, Wu-Tang vs. AI. This is purely fan fiction, so of course, the events, actions and dialogue in this story are completely fictional. Catch up on Episode I, Episode II, Episode III, Episode IV and Episode V.
In the fifth episode, Inspectah Deck came to an understanding about RZA’s master plan to defeat the androids as they sat on a Stapleton Projects bench and reminisced over their youth. Meanwhile, the trio of Ghostface Killah, GZA and YDB reached the All-Seeing Eye, who turned out to be Bob Barker. He revealed the identity of their enemy — a trauma-scarred, failed record executive named Giorgio De Luca — before equipping them with powerful weapons and wisdom for the journey ahead.
To make the plan work, RZA must now call in an overdue favor from the CIA. Meanwhile, the trio is making its way out of the Rainforest of Xishuangbanna so they can journey to De Luca’s villa in Italy and shut down his operations. And, blindfolded, bound and gagged in a place unknown, Raekwon is straining for any clue that could aid his escape….
Raekwon was furious. He laid on what felt like a gym mat, wearing what seemed like hospital scrubs that were soaked in his own urine. Any fear that Rae might have had was overcome by a desire to chew through the cuffs binding his hands and feet, scratch the unbearable itch on his nose, and pummel anything breathing, buzzing or clicking within a square mile.
But he couldn’t do that anymore than he could spit out the rag balled up in his mouth. The price to pay for venomously cussing out whoever or whatever it was that locked him here.
Yet, this wasn’t Draymond rage. Rae’s intense ire kept him focused and heightened his senses. He now knew how Ray Charles could – and did – drive around his tiny hometown in Florida. Rae could hear everything, from the “silent” farts of an unknown human to the unsettling echo of would-be human steps that were devoid of any bounce or warmth. Androids, he knew.
Though, when he was thrown to the ground for apparent insubordination – Look at me now, Mrs. Moran, he thought of his third grade teacher – he couldn’t tell how much of the metallic smell in his nostrils was from droplets of his own blood or the sleek steel of the androids.
Rae’s sharpened senses only increased his frustration. It almost would have been better not to hear anything at all than to drive himself crazy trying to figure out what each sound was betraying. He imagined androids coming and going, bringing plates of food and standing guard over him while he ate. He thought he heard whispers from men, possibly discussing what to do with him. Once, he heard muffled screams from the other side of the wall. He struggled in vain against the handcuffs, tears leaking from his blindfold as he prayed silently for his brothers.
And then one night, there was a ray of hope. He heard faint singing on the other side of the wall, and he strained to make out the deep voice of U-God.
“I looked over Jordan and what did I see?
Coming for to carry me home.
A band of angels coming after me,
Coming for to carry me home.”
Rae was soothed by his brother’s words. He closed his eyes and imagined the summer days of his childhood when the ice cream truck would roll through Park Hill.
“Swing lowwwww, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home.”
“Shoulda got his autograph.”
The trio of Ghostface Killah, GZA and YDB were making their way out of the Rainforest of Xishuangbanna. Ghost was bemoaning the missed opportunity to get the scrawl of Bob Barker, the All-Seeing Eye.
“It wasn’t the time,” GZA said, cracking a close-lipped smile.
“Did you take a mental picture?” YDB asked.
“It’s not the same,” Ghost said pointedly.
“Well, I did, and I’ll never forget that,” YDB said. “Best episode of The Price is Right ever.”
Ghost rolled his eyes at GZA and did a nasally impression of his nephew.
“Did you take a mental picture?”
They walked mostly in silence after that, swords at the ready, eyes peeled and ears pricked for any sort of attack. Every shift in the breeze was an android swooping down on them. Every rustle in the bushes was an ambush. Every bird call was a war cry.
Yet, nothing came. The forest kept getting lighter, though the trio’s vigilance was no less intense. At one point, they shared looks of foreboding. They’d been in a ruckus for so long that the stillness made them uneasy.
At last, they could see an opening. They picked up their pace slightly as they walked side by side, weapons poised should an attack await them in the sunlight.
Sure enough, it did. No sooner had GZA stepped onto the grass surrounding the forest than an android rocketed toward him. Then another. And another.
This time they were ready. They didn’t even let the androids hit the ground before slashing their legs out at the knees. Bob Barker’s steel-penetrating swords were even stronger than the ones they’d brought to the forest with them, and they took pleasure in slicing and dicing these mechanisms of pure evil.
Even as more and more came, the trio moved with a smooth confidence that heightened their efficiency. YDB even sang Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” under his breath as he impaled an android with the hilt of his sword.
He looked up to see an eerie sight: An android floating down to them gently. Before he could grip the hilt, the android dropped a metal sphere the size of a tennis ball. The sphere exploded, enveloping all three Clansmen in a fog that burned with the smell of sulfur. They sputtered and coughed, no longer able to see and afraid to swing their swords for fear of slicing one another.
GZA, still gripping his sword, doubled over from the fog and crawled on his hands and knees as he scrambled for a way out. Ghost hacked and snarled as he got down and bear-ran through the fog. Once he reached clear air, he rolled onto his back and gasped for air like James Harrison in the end zone after his 100-yard interception return in Super Bowl XLIII.
GZA saw Ghost through the fog and sped up toward him, but he felt a hand on his ankle pulling him back. In one fluid motion, GZA turned and sliced at the ground in front of his foot. He heard the sound of metal being cut and felt his foot free of the grip. He lunged out of the fog and lay on his stomach next to Ghost, vomiting the eggs and bacon Bob Barker had cooked for them that morning.
Ghost lifted his head up and watched in horror as YDB was lifted through the fog by two soaring androids. YDB struggled with all his might, but the androids had him in an iron grip. Ghost tried in vain to get to his feet, still hacking and heaving. He fell to his knees as he wailed in anguish. He meant to yell for his nephew, but as he lunged toward the sky, he cried out, “ASON!”
The fog was dissipating now, though the stench of sulfur still seared the throats of GZA and Ghost. As GZA pulled himself into a sitting position, a hoard of androids swarmed out of the fog and circled around them. It was then that Bob Barker’s words hit Ghost like a thunderbolt.
It may look soft, but its impact is deafening.
Ghost reached behind him and unzipped his backpack. He pulled out the meteor hammer, hawked a loogie and forced himself to his feet. He grabbed GZA by the hand and pulled him up next to him.
“Stay close,” Ghost said.
Ghost grabbed the middle of the rope and spun the meteor hammer around. He brought it down on an android’s head just as the hoard was swarming in. The android’s head crumpled like a Coke can as he fell back, tripping up other androids.
GZA stayed close to Ghost as he whirled around, striking every oncomer with methodical precision. Ghost swirled the meteor hammer like nunchucks, wading into the hoard as he smashed and mashed the torsos, necks and heads of every misguided android who dared cross his path. The hammer seemed to increase in force with every collision, crinkling up the steel of man-sized androids with the ease of a car compactor. Thinking of YDB, he hit the androids with such force that they crumpled every android they knocked into.
Soon, the grassy expanse outside the rainforest resembled the dusty ground of an impound lot. With GZA still swinging his sword at every android in reach, they crushed to pieces the androids quicker than they could soar down from the sky, until no more came and only a handful were left charging toward them in a ‘U’ shape.
“Stand back,” Ghost told GZA.
GZA retreated a few steps and marveled as Ghost switched the meteor hammer to his southpaw, wound up and whipped it around like it was a lasso. He swung like Josh Gibson at old Yankee Stadium and smashed the nearest android right between the eyes. It fell backward, crushing the android behind it, and they started to fall like dominoes until the last of the androids crumpled to the ground with a soft thud.
Suddenly, the hammer felt very light in Ghost’s hand. He looked down at the unassuming rope and two metal spheres in awe. To his right, GZA’s mouth hung agape as he stared at it, too.
After a few moments, they steadied themselves. As they got over the awesome power of the meteor hammer, they looked at each other with heartbreaking recognition.
It didn’t matter that they won this round. YDB, Dirty’s son, was taken. They stood, staring at the spot where they’d seen their nephew flown out of the fog and into the clear blue sky.
Finally, Ghost wrenched his gaze away. He put a soft hand on GZA’s shoulder.
“Come on,” he said. “We gotta keep moving. Get to somewhere we can call RZA.”
RZA’s mind was buzzing. He’d just gotten off the phone with Ghost an hour before. He was surprised by the story of Giorgio De Luca, but just as surprised that he hadn’t put the pieces together sooner. What did he tell himself all the time?
You never know what will be the consequence of the misfortune; or, you never know what will be the consequence of good fortune.
Knowing the enemy didn’t change the plan, nor was he going to share it with anyone outside the Clan. It did make matters more pressing, though. It was why, at 7:12 p.m. on a Thursday, he stood on the platform between two staircases in a dimly lit stairwell at a YMCA.
Though his feet grew sore, RZA didn’t mind waiting. His patience always gave him time to think things through, which allowed him to sidestep all sorts of catastrophes over the past 30-plus years.
He listened to the scuffs of sneakers in the gym over his head for a few more minutes before they stopped. After about 15 minutes, he heard a door open above him. Seconds later, into view came CIA Agent Francis Steuben, the same french-fry-eating agent who had no information for Method Man and Inspectah Deck when they asked about the androids. At the sight of RZA, Steuben inhaled sharply.
“Relax, Francis,” RZA said.
Steuben’s startled expression was instantly replaced by a look of squinty suspicion.
“How did you know I was here?” he asked, staying rooted at the spot.
“You’re not the only ones who can find people,” RZA said.
Francis’ eyes flashed. RZA narrowed his eyes and smirked slightly.
“Your receptionist told me,” he said.
Francis shook his head as he trudged down the stairs.
“And to think I was gonna give her a pay raise,” he said.
“No you weren’t,” RZA said, extending his hand.
It was Francis’ turn to smirk, but he winced as he took the last step down to the platform and shook RZA’s hand.
“Don’t move like it used to, huh?” RZA said.
“Used to be I could get up and down the court no problem,” he said. “Now I gotta ice my knees for an hour.”
“It’ll catch up to you,” RZA said.
“What, age?” Steuben said.
“Nah,” RZA said coyly. “French fries.”
Steuben chuckled.
“Method Man tell you that, huh?” Steuben said.
“Among other things,” RZA said. “You need to show my brothers more respect.”
“Come onnn,” Steuben said, relaxing his posture. “You know how it is. Can’t let anyone get too comfortable. I’m guessing that’s what this is about?”
RZA nodded.
“Like I told your guys, I really don’t know anything,” Steuben said.
“It’s not about that,” RZA said.
“So you know something?” Steuben asked.
“I know a lot of things,” RZA said.
“Don’t be cute,” Steuben said. “If it’s a matter of national security-
RZA shook his head.
“It doesn’t affect anyone but us right now,” he said. “If it did, I’d tell you.”
“Right now?” Steuben said quasi-incredulously. “That’s supposed to make me feel better? I swear, RZA-”
RZA put up a hand to stop him.
“Right now, this isn’t about what I can do for you,” he said sternly.
Steuben looked at the floor, then back up at RZA.
“I know it’s been a long time,” he said. “But you had to have known that when you asked before, there was no way I coulda helped.”
RZA’s eyes flickered with amusement. Steuben’s mouth hung slightly open.
“You did know!” he said. “Then why did you ask?”
“Nothing wrong with applying pressure,” RZA said.
“Jerk,” Steuben said.
“This one you can help me with,” he said. “I need to make sure we can get some heat into the country without any problems.”
Steuben’s eyes narrowed.
“How much heat?” he asked.
“When was the last time you were in Algeria?” RZA said.
Steuben shook his head.
“Who?” he asked.
RZA paused, then smiled wryly.
“Curtis Jackson,” he said.
Steuben threw up his left arm.
“Oh, for crying out loud!” he exclaimed.
“Frank,” RZA said, and Steuben registered the use of his nickname. “You didn’t mind our heat when you had the PKK crawling all over you in Germany.”
Steuben bit his lip.
“Look man, there’s no way I can-”
RZA silenced him with a stare.
“It’s time, Frank,” he said. “It’s time.”
Steuben held his palms open, which RZA knew to mean, “OK.” RZA reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded-up piece of paper.
As RZA walked away, Frank opened up the paper and looked at it, noting the date, time and location of the artillery arriving. Then he saw, in a scrawl that was unmistakably 50 Cent’s, the specific weapons being transported. Frank stuffed the paper in his pocket, smacked his palm on his forehead three times and stamped his foot.
“Dammit, RZA,” he snarled down the stairs. “Couldn’t you just ask me to let you funnel drugs in?”
Thank God for the saker falcon.
YDB repeated the sentiment over and over again in his mind as he sat catching his breath along the edge of a river with his clothes completely soaked.
After the androids had rocketed him toward the sky, he let himself go and closed his eyes to fool them. After several minutes, he heard a soft river current and knew that was his cue. YDB’s eyes flew open as he kicked wildly in an attempt to break free of the androids’ grip and fall into the small river about 100 feet below.
In the struggle, the androids didn’t see the saker falcon in their path. One of the androids collided with it, enraging the falcon, and it began clawing at the android with sharp, curved talons.
Instinctively, YDB used the collision to pull a steel-penetrating knife from his boot and plunge it into the gut of the other android. He yanked it out just as the falcon-assaulted android gripped YDB’s throat with both hands. As the other android plummeted toward the earth, YDB’s eyes bulged and his face grew red as he stabbed the android choking him in its gut. The android’s head jerked backward, and the falcon viciously pecked at its robotic eyes. The android let YDB’s neck go. YDB freefell toward the water, flinging the knife aside so he wouldn’t accidentally impale himself.
He hit the water so hard it knocked the wind out of him as he fell beneath the surface. He lay limp for a few moments but jolted forward after he inhaled water. He violently kicked and flailed upward, breaking the surface of the water just in time to see the sparks-emitting android hit the water with a loud SMACK and sink beneath the surface.
Coughing and sputtering, YDB swam breaststrokes to the river’s edge and heaved himself up and over onto the grass beside it. He looked up just in time to see the falcon soaring triumphantly away, silently thanking it as he threw up river water. He watched the river for a few minutes, but the android never surfaced.
After he caught his breath and got his bearings, YDB gingerly picked himself up and began a slow walk along the river. As relieved as he was that he’d gotten free of the androids, there was a strange sadness in him. He didn’t know which or if any of the captured Clansmen were still alive, but if they were, he really wanted to see his Uncle Raekwon.
Yoooooooo!!!! Love these!!