Wu-Tang vs. AI
Episode II – Attack of the Flame-Throwing Androids
This is the second part of the nine-part series, Wu-Tang vs. AI. This is purely fan fiction, so of course, the events, actions and dialogue in this story are completely fictional.
In the first installment (read it in full here), the Wu-Tang Clan was lured from its fortress, only to return to find that its top-secret golden record had been stolen. In its place was a ransom note claiming the record would be used as a powerful source for artificial intelligence unless the Clansmen brought $100 million to the Statue of Liberty. The Clan ignored the ransom. Instead, RZA dispatched Method Man and Inspectah Deck to Virginia to inquire about AI. After mistakenly stalking Allen Iverson’s house, Meth and Deck are on their way to meet with a CIA agent in Langley, Virginia. Meanwhile, RZA is about to task Ghostface Killah and Raekwon with their most daunting mission yet…
Ghostface Killah was worried. Not for himself, so much, but for his brothers. There wasn’t much that could rattle Ghost when it came to his own life. It’d been a long time since he was dead broke, outside robbing people, but he vividly remembered what it was like. He always remembered.
He was grateful for the life he had, and he knew it could be snatched from him at any minute, whether in the physical or societal form. He was a righteous man now, so going back to the block would never be an option. But if it came down to it, and he had nothing left, he’d slide into his Clarks Wallabees and find a new path.
It was different when it came to his family, though. He knew his Wu brothers were strong, but that didn’t keep his heart beat from accelerating when they were in trouble. RZA knew this, and Ghost knew RZA knew this. So when it was time to formulate a plan, Ghost knew that RZA would call on him to do the most. Not to exploit him, but because RZA knew Ghost wouldn’t have it any other way.
Ghost was on a mat praying in his room in the fortress when he heard someone coming up the stairs. It was funny how, after more than 30 years together, Ghost could know who it was just by the rhythm of the creaks on the stairwell. He knew RZA was going to call on him, so he took a breath, finished his last prayer, and got up.
“Come in,” he called, because he knew RZA would never interrupt his prayer time.
RZA opened the door, looking serious. His eyes were constricted, like they always were when he had an otherworldly focus.
“What’s up?” Ghost asked.
RZA shook his head.
“We’re not making any headway,” he said. “I don’t want to waste any more time.”
Ghost nodded.
“What do you need me to do?”
RZA took a breath.
“Do you recall the albino man whose boat rescued us from Tristan da Cunha a decade ago?” RZA asked.
“The one who fed us undercooked ribs, and GZA threw up on that baby on the plane?” Ghost recalled.
“No, I mean the one – wow, that was disgusting,” RZA recalled, silently dry heaving.
“I mean the one with mutilated ears who took us to that opera house in Indonesia last fall,” he said, drawing breath and collecting himself.
“Man, how many albinos we know?” Ghost asked.
RZA started ticking them off on his fingers before forcefully shaking the thought out of his head.
“It’s not important now,” he said. “We’ll tally it up later. Do you remember the story that man told us?”
Suddenly, it dawned on Ghost.
“The Legend of the All-Seeing Eye,” he said, his eyes growing wide.
“Yes,” RZA said. “The man is willing to take you to a certain point in China. I don’t know exactly where, but he told me the one whom you’ll seek dwells somewhere in the Rainforest of Xishuangbanna. Rae will go with you.”
Ghost smiled.
“Same as it ever was,” he said.
“He’s waiting in the kitchen,” RZA said. “We’ll review your travel plans, and then you must leave at once.”
They made their way to the kitchen, where Raekwon the Chef was seated at the table eating his homemade mahi tacos.
“Youwangehdowhonthiz?” he asked them through a mouthful of taco.
RZA waved it off, but Ghost was all about it. He elbowed Rae playfully to make room as he snatched up a taco. As they ate, RZA ticked off instructions and reminders: Travel light, but with enough weapons to defend themselves. Be efficient, but don’t rush. No bringing da ruckus unless they have no other choice. And as much as possible, avoid being seen.
Ghost and Rae knew the drill, so they simply nodded and grunted agreements as RZA spoke.
“And remember,” RZA said. “Whoever is after us will surely be angry that we ignored their proposed meeting at the Statue of Liberty. So be ready for anything.”
They had just polished off the last of their meal when YDB appeared. RZA glanced to his left without looking directly at his nephew. Rae stared at YDB. Ghost looked at RZA.
“I want to come,” YDB said.
RZA’s face would have been hard to read for almost anyone else on the planet, but Ghost knew that he was exasperated by the way his jaw twitched ever so slightly.
“I don’t think-” RZA started.
“Sure, youngin’,” Rae said. “You can roll wit us.”
RZA’s eyes narrowed at Rae, who dispensed with any pretense as he looked RZA directly in the eye.
“Look, man,” Rae said. “You sending us on this mission, I’m all for it. But this is our mission. And I think he should go. Knowledge is tested by practice.”
“We cannot teach him,” RZA said. “The boy has no patience.”
“He will learn patience,” Rae replied.
“Much pain in him… like his father,” RZA said.
“Was I any different when you taught me?” Rae asked.
“Too old!” RZA said. “Yes, too old to begin training.”
“Will y’all Dagobah System fools stop talkin’ like Star Wars right now?” Ghost interjected.
RZA’s eyes bore into Rae’s, and he communicated solely through his expression.
I’m not making this mistake again.
Rae looked right back.
Maybe it’s time we make up for it.
RZA looked away, the pain of his cousin’s passing threatening to snap his ever-sturdy composure.
For a few seconds that felt like eons, RZA stared at his own reflection in the microwave. Rae didn’t break his gaze. YDB, who’d been watching his uncles go back and forth like they were in a tennis match, teetered on edge. Ghost was the calmest in the room.
“Bobby,” he said softly.
RZA looked at Ghost and slowly exhaled.
“OK,” RZA said. “OK. But-”
“We got it,” Ghost said. “We got it.”
Rae nodded.
“It’s good,” he said.
RZA looked at his nephew and swallowed hard.
“Be careful,” he said, before swiftly exiting the kitchen.
“Youngin’,” Ghost said. “You’re carrying our bags.”
Method Man and Inspectah Deck sat in the back of CIA Agent Steuben’s black government vehicle, waiting for the agent to finish his fries. Steuben seemed to be chewing especially slow, as if enjoying every painstaking moment he could make Meth and Deck wait on him. Meth blew air out of his mouth, but Deck remained perfectly still, staring directly into the rearview mirror. Finally, Steuben finished his last fry.
“So, about this supposed ‘A.I. attack,’” he said, using air quotes. “We know nothing about it.”
“What,” Deck said. It was more a rigidly angry statement than a question.
Steuben let out a large, disgusting belch.
“Yeah,” he said. “We got nothing.”
Meth’s eyes blazed.
“Then why did you waste our time?” he asked. This was not a statement, but a flabbergasted question.
Steuben smirked to himself.
“Tell RZA he’ll have to cash in that favor another time,” he said, and he wiped the fry grease on his pants before exiting the car and shutting the door behind him. As he walked away, Meth and Deck stared straight ahead looking like they just got slapped in the face.
“They’ve been giving us rain checks for the past 17 years,” Deck said.
Meth chuckled.
“What?” Deck asked.
Meth looked at his brother.
“You know what, man? I think they really are clueless this time.”
GZA lounged in an easy chair within the fortress, reading The Tao of Physics under a portrait of the late, great Popa Wu. When chaos surrounded him, GZA liked to return to familiar books to refresh his mind so he could best approach the challenges ahead. But his peaceful reading was interrupted by a shadow over his book. He looked up to see RZA standing calmly before him.
“Is everything in order?” RZA asked, already knowing the answer.
“U-God and Killa are sealing off and fortifying any potential penetration points to the fortress,” GZA informed him. “Redman showed up an hour ago and is monitoring activity around the force field. Cap and I are catching a red eye to Chicago for the meet-and-greet tomorrow night. It will be business as usual. No one will have a hint of what’s happening.”
RZA nodded, his eyes on the portrait of Popa Wu. It seemed to GZA as if he was searching for an answer.
“What is it?” GZA asked.
“The CIA stonewalled us,” RZA said.
“As expected,” GZA said.
“Meth said they didn’t know, though,” RZA said.
GZA shrugged as if to say, it could be worse.
“The unknown can be scary…,” he started.
RZA finished his thought: “But the known is downright frightful.”
In what seemed like no time, Rae, Ghost and YDB found themselves at the home of the albino man named Phil, an opera connoisseur with mutilated ears. It was a small wooden hut in the Yunnan Province, roughly 30 miles from the Rainforest of Xishuangbanna. Ghost rapped on the door.
“Now remember,” Rae said. “Don’t say anything about his appearance.”
“I gotchu,” YDB assured him.
Suddenly, they heard a call from the inside.
“Who’s knockin’ like the po-lice?”
Ghost put on an unnaturally deep voice.
“It is us, we three wise men from the Wu-Tang Clan,” Ghost said. “We come bearing gifts.”
Rae smacked his hand on his forehead. Ghost threw up his hands.
“You forgot the gifts, didn’t you?” Ghost said.
“I don’t know what happened,” Rae said. “I signed up for the free Prime trial! Two-day shipping my ass.”
“Youngin’, what snacks you got left?” Ghost asked YDB.
YDB rummaged in his bag.
“Some Cheez-It dust and uhh… off-brand Twinkies,” he said.
“That’ll do,” Ghost said solemnly.
“Yo, man, what the-” Rae started, but he was interrupted by the opening of the front door.
Phil stood in the doorway, surveying them.
“Aww, man, what happened to your ears?” YDB said.
Rae shot him a murderous stare. Phil waved Rae off as if to say, “It’s OK.”
“I…wrestled in college,” Phil said. “Come in.”
Phil turned out to be an excellent host. The stew he served them was oddly delicious, though he became stern when Ghost asked what was in it. Then, he played the cello for them while they watched the rain fall outside until they fell asleep on couches.
The next morning, they ate porridge before Phil took them by a horse and wagon to the edge of the rainforest. He gave Rae a map, and warned them of the dangers ahead, including tigers and clouded leopards. But, he told them, the Asian black bear is their friend.
“This map is only about 60 percent of the forest,” he explained. “The All-Seeing Eye will be somewhere in the uncharted territory. You must be on guard at all times.
“And don’t, under any circumstances-”
Phil was interrupted by a silver streak shooting down from the sky. Dozens more followed, and Rae, Ghost and YDB drew their steel-penetrating swords. The silver streaks reached the ground, and straightened up. They were androids with red eyes, fully armed with explosive weaponry.
“GO!” Rae shouted at Phil. “You’ve done enough!”
“No!” Phil said. “I must save you. I must-”
One of the androids leaped at Phil, pinning him to the ground and tearing him limb from limb.
“Wow,” Ghost said. “Guess he was a second-string wrestler, huh?”
But there was no time to ponder Phil’s collegiate wrestling career. The androids had them surrounded and were firing everything – machine guns, flame throwers, poisonous darts – at them. They deflected what they could with their swords and ducked the flames, slicing at the legs of the androids to disable them.
“We’ve got to break the circle!” Rae shouted.
Ghost roundhouse kicked an android in the head, while YDB kept chopping at legs. Rae charged at one of the androids, knocking it to the ground, and head-butted another before a third came from behind and snatched Rae’s sword from him. Rae slipped and fell on his back. The android raised his sword high, poised to plunge it into Rae’s heart. Rae looked up, utterly defenseless, but as the android brought the sword down, YDB leaped forward and sliced the android in half. Rae leapt to his feet.
“Now that’s some half-off technology!” YDB said.
“We’ll work on your catchphrases later!” Rae yelled. “To the forest!”
Ghost, who’d lost his patiences with weapons, had begun pummeling the androids with his bare hands. There were only a few left standing, but from the way they began to glitch, Rae knew they were failing. All the trio had to do was get to the forest and out of sight. Ghost caught up to Rae and YDB as they sprinted towards the forest. Rae looked behind him to see the rest of the androids collapsing. But as the last one fell, it hurled a grenade at them.
“GRENADE!” Rae screamed.
They all dove to the side, just missing the blast. When the smoke cleared, they looked up to see a pile of fallen androids a few yards from Phil’s body. The horse had scampered off in the commotion, taking the wagon with him.
“We must pay respects to the dead,” Rae said.
“We’ll bury him in the forest,” Ghost said.
“I’ll retrieve him,” YDB said, and he hurried off to Phil’s body.
“We’ve got to let RZA know about this,” Ghost said.
Rae held up his cell phone.
“Can’t,” he said. “No service.”
They were on their own.
“I didn’t even know there were androids that advanced yet,” Rae said.
“Me neither,” Ghost told him. “I thought we did a better job of going unseen.”
“Me too,” Rae said.
As YDB walked back toward them with Phil’s body in his arms, Rae and Ghost looked at each other. They were thinking the same thing:
Tigers and clouded leopards were the least of their worries now….